I feel like dance is something I had and then lost. Every single time I'm exposed to dancing, dancers, music, tumbling, gymnastics -- the list goes on -- I feel like a different person. It makes me want to be better. Stronger. It also kind of makes me a little sad. I was a great athlete when I was younger. I had a natural ability for dance and gymnastics. I just lost my way. Life happened and I lost my resources. It's almost like I lost myself and settled.
I know with the new year comes resolutions and one of mine is this:
I'm going to stretch. I'm going to grow. I'm going to dance. It sounds stupid even as I type it. I'm 25 and haven't tried anything of the sort in 10 years. I just feel like I have to. I owe it to that little girl who spent all of her time dancing and tumbling. She's still inside of me somewhere. I just need acknowledge that and allow her to make me a better version of myself.
I think it's crazy how fast emotions can take over and squeeze the life out of you. I guess my recent obsession with roller coasters was a literal warm-up for this winter. I'm up and down so much that I can't even start to tell you what's going on. I have such a love for life but a distain for my own... sometimes. I love and hate virtually everything and I can't describe where my feelings come from or where I should go with them. I just know that I feel. A lot.
... tell them what I hoped would be impossible.
It's nice to have your faith restored.
Sometimes we let fear take over when all we need to do is stand up taller and push it back. We're stronger together than divided.
I will not use food as an emotional filler.
I will not ignore life to be lazy.
I will not push myself to anger.
I will watch what I say and think hard before it leaves my mouth.
I will think of myself without being selfish.
I will listen to music.
I will keep a physical journal.
I will put God and love and happiness before everything else.
If there is anything I learned in 2008, it's that fixating and depending on one thing isn't healthy. Things don't always work out the way we want them to. Sometimes we lose something important. Sometimes we're wrong about when or why or how things are going to take place. To put all of your eggs in one basket is ridiculous, no matter how sure you feel about anything -- because even if you're wrong and everything you've ever known collapses around you, the world doesn't stop turning. It's best you prepare yourself for anything but assume that all or nothing is going to come of it.
You're sure this is going to happen. Ok, great. What if it doesn't? It will. But what if it doesn't? That isn't doubt in my mind. That's a valid and realistic question to ask someone who is absolutely sure of anything. What are we all suppose to do about things we don't have the ability to change? Do we hear about something horrible and stew in it? Do we just lay around and weep for something that isn't happening to us and probably never will? Or do we go out there and live the life not everybody gets to live? Do we mope about what's wrong or do we focus on what's right? Fixating on something doesn't make you smarter. It makes you weaker. We're suppose to pay attention, learn, and be strong. We aren't suppose to stare something in the face so long that it knocks us out.
I'm a person unique to anybody else. I know how much I can take. I'm so sick of people acting like it's one size fits all around here. I know I need to bend, but sometimes I feel like one more inch and I'll break. I don't understand what's wrong with being happy. I don't understand what is so wrong about having hope. I don't doubt my faith. I just don't pretend to know everything and I'm never going to bank on what I think I know. I don't live in my own land of prediction. I'm just trying to let go and let God.
People are out of control. They want to complain about hate but when it's very clear that hate isn't in the picture, they ignore that and decide to redefine the word. They want to complain about not having equal opportunities, but when it's clear that they have just as many opportunities as the next kid, they decide to go back to the hate thing. And how do they decide to stop the hate? By hating. Not just hating either. Slander. Blackmail. Intolerance. It's absolutely ridiculous. It's hypocrisy. It's doing everything but minding your own business. If something very scary and serious happened to our country, nobody would have time to think of things so ridiculous. It's selfish. Self-important. But that's the main reason people suck these days, right? They have so much time on their hands but all they care about is themselves.
The amount of ignorance in the people who cry ignorant astounds me.
My life has been a roller coaster lately. I'm either up or down. I've developed an insane amount of patience in the past few weeks. It comes across as kindness and it does feel good to have that kind of control over my temper, but I question where it's coming from. Have I lost my fire? Have I lost my ability to be passionate? I hope not. On the other hand, settling isn't always a bad thing. I know we're taught to think it's weak but there are some things you just can't change. If you never learn how to feel alright about things you can't do anything about, how strong can you possibly become? You could define strength in many ways. Maybe knowing when to just be happy with what you have and even with what you don't is one of them.
Anxiety issues have held me down a few times this past week. I think it might be from stress about losing a crutch of mine. Tonight is the first time it's really, really seemed like it was gone. I have a feeling it's going to be awhile before I'm totally ok with this. It's a long time coming. I knew it would get here eventually. I just wish that I could wash it down, but it's hard to swallow.
I've never felt so terrified to be in my own skin. I want to write myself hate mail. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I'm starting to feel a horrible amount of jealousy for anybody that isn't me. And that leads to hating them for having what I don't. I don't even know what to do with those feelings. I just think I'll hide myself away so nobody can touch me.