It really is no wonder that I sit here and do nothing -- feeling defeated. I really don't know how to beat this. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to be content with what I can obtain effortlessly and give up on the things that seem impossible.
This is the last thing I feel like quoting right now. There are so many blocks in the road. Emotions, failures, hardships, frustrations, and fears. I can't figure it out or make it all go away. I just hope that I can find something positive to say and will myself to do it.
Fear. I dwell in it. Whether I'm trying to conquer it or I'm letting it beat me down, I'm always infatuated. I'm afraid to move forward. I'm afraid to stay behind. To progress or stay stagnant. I'm sorry for wanting more than what I have. I'm afraid to let my emotions out. I also never realized that I kept so much inside. I can't let go of some things. People. Ideas. Dreams. It's like a death grip.
Lately, more than ever, I feel like staring fear in the face. Am I still scared? Yes. Terrified. I just don't care if it scares me anymore. Is that progress? There is a difference between being stubborn and being persistent. There is also a difference from being content or lazy. I wonder if I'm being ambitious or ungrateful... selfish... disrespectful. Is it ok to want things other (important) people don't want for you?
I have so many questions and it feels like the answers are running away from me.
"Bad company ruins good morals." - 1 Corinthians 15:33
It's easy to cast the first stone, but it's no fun getting hit. With this in mind, I just want to say that it's easier to allow yourself to do what you find appalling. Even as I sit here with sadness in my heart for someone else's losing battle, I can't promise that I won't follow their example without trying to condemning them for what we both do. And in the end, I think we would all be much happier if we listened to our conscience. If it sounds bad coming out of somebody else's mouth, it's not going to clean up before coming out of yours.
Bad company does ruin good morals. I know this from my experience and I know this from other people's experience. We all know at least one person who has allowed acquaintances of theirs to cloud otherwise good judgement. If this goes on long enough, that good judgement will slowly turn bad and bad will always turn to worse. I'm seeing that now. At a certain point, you have to turn around or else even the one's who were trying their patience will start to run thin. I'm seeing that now too.
It's always better to be good than to have good intentions. Only you have access to the knowledge of what you intended. Everybody else only has the knowledge of what you do.
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